I'm fascinated by the way the discourse has changed in only a decade or less from "OMG those poor women are ALL ALONE because they're feminazis and no one wants them!" to "geez, this is worrying, they don't seem to WANT to get married ..."
I think one of the comments hit the nail on the head - that oddly enough the marriages that now exist seem to be happier, because nobody's being forced into it through pregnancy or social pressure or whatever (or, at least, less social pressure exists). So if you have the choice, you may not get married, or you may hold out for a good marriage.
I loved "Can This Marriage Be Saved", and read it faithfully. My reaction was "I'm not going to have one of THOSE marriages". But I didn't marry until I was almost 40, because the idea really, absolutely terrified me. I fell "in love" - in the sense of "requiring the feeling of attachment to some man to validate my whole existence", mind you, at the drop of a hat, and several times a year, and consequently knew all about lousy relationships. But I was terrified of marriage because of all the reasons everyone has given. I didn't want to be a wife/housekeeper/cook/nanny/nursemaid/secondplace/handholder to some guy. And it was so permanent.
It wasn't until I gave myself permission, if I was unhappy, to dump the guy, and if I happened to be married to him, to divorce him, that suddenly marriage became a possibility, and I met a nice guy who doesn't require or even want any of the above 'wifely' services. But until I had grasped that marriage was a choice, and staying married was also a free choice, that marriage was a possibility for me.
As for the question "why get married?" I mean, why not just live with him? Well, because I wanted to. It made me feel more secure. It still does. But not everybody needs or wants that.
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fascinating post and discussion!
Date: 2007-01-20 01:37 am (UTC)I think one of the comments hit the nail on the head - that oddly enough the marriages that now exist seem to be happier, because nobody's being forced into it through pregnancy or social pressure or whatever (or, at least, less social pressure exists). So if you have the choice, you may not get married, or you may hold out for a good marriage.
I loved "Can This Marriage Be Saved", and read it faithfully. My reaction was "I'm not going to have one of THOSE marriages". But I didn't marry until I was almost 40, because the idea really, absolutely terrified me. I fell "in love" - in the sense of "requiring the feeling of attachment to some man to validate my whole existence", mind you, at the drop of a hat, and several times a year, and consequently knew all about lousy relationships. But I was terrified of marriage because of all the reasons everyone has given. I didn't want to be a wife/housekeeper/cook/nanny/nursemaid/secondplace/handholder to some guy. And it was so permanent.
It wasn't until I gave myself permission, if I was unhappy, to dump the guy, and if I happened to be married to him, to divorce him, that suddenly marriage became a possibility, and I met a nice guy who doesn't require or even want any of the above 'wifely' services. But until I had grasped that marriage was a choice, and staying married was also a free choice, that marriage was a possibility for me.
As for the question "why get married?" I mean, why not just live with him? Well, because I wanted to. It made me feel more secure. It still does. But not everybody needs or wants that.